


not forever, just for now

by regionalatblessed (exploitsofreality)



Series: joshler shit [2]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Nobody Dies, Sad, Suicidal Thoughts, basically just me projecting my problems onto tyler joseph as always, it's cute tho I promise, josh dun is an angel, please just read it if ur cool with the above warnings, slightly graphic description of suicide, suicide planning, we don't deserve him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-04
Updated: 2016-06-04
Packaged: 2018-07-12 05:23:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7087051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/exploitsofreality/pseuds/regionalatblessed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>he remembers josh, and that's enough.</p>
            </blockquote>





	not forever, just for now

in this moment, tyler stands in the kitchen.  
his years of planning have anticlimactically come to their near finish. he was finally, in this moment, very ready to leave.

it hurts more than he expected it would.

leaving.

tyler never thought it would hurt.

he thought it would be easy, like a warm knife through butter. he thought this would be simple.

but tyler had never taken josh into account.  
he never thought someone would get to him like josh had.

josh-  
josh is a fire. but he is more than that.  
he is the moon. he is the ground beneath tyler's feet. he is every word in the english language- no, fuck it, every word in every language-

he could hold your life in the palm of his hand and you wouldn't feel scared. you'd feel safe, warm, protected. josh is a lighthouse. josh is a bird. josh is the forest. the color red. starry skies. kisses and hugs and just about every sensation balled into one being. josh-

to put it simply, josh is home.

back to this moment.  
tyler is leaving.  
the note is written, perfect letters in smooth black ink.  
it's all planned, all set up.  
he wrote his will as soon as he was legally able. josh gets everything.

he would leave before sunrise, walk to the bridge on the edge of town, and-  
well, you know what happens next.  
tyler offs himself.  
tyler leaves.  
it's all he's ever wanted.

but in this moment, all tyler really wants is to be wrapped in josh's arms. he craves the warmth, the safety. for the first time in his life, tyler thinks of staying.

pancake breakfasts, early mornings-  
kisses pressed to necks, ears, cheeks-  
late night talks. stargazing-  
taco bell on the balcony-

he sees his life span out, years of comfort and happy and josh.

it felt right. for once, his life felt maybe a bit good, maybe a lot good.

but tyler has been planning this. tyler has waited for this moment for years. 

it was the time. he wouldn't turn 28 for another few months. it hurt, the idea of leaving before josh's birthday, but he knew that if he stayed he might not be able to go. so... this moment was the moment. he would leave the note folded up on the kitchen counter, right next to his keys and his cellphone. he would take one last look at josh. wouldn't cave- couldn't cave. this was the plan. the end-goal. 

he'd lived long enough. a lot of people never made it this far. and a lot of people didn't have a brain like tyler's. a toxic, messy, bloodbath of a brain. he wanted blood spatter on concrete, he wanted water-filled lungs, he wanted a bullet in his skull. he wanted to kill himself.

right?

the words had never tasted so sad before.

suicide used to always be so sweet.

but now, thinking of sweet, all tyler can focus on is the taste of josh's lips, his smile, the way his eyes crinkle when he laughs. so, so sweet.

sweeter than death? cold metal pressed to temples? sweeter than life slowly- or quickly- draining?

yeah. josh was sweeter than that.

admitting this scared tyler. he was so ready for this moment. finally giving up.

but his mind drifts again, to josh. upstairs in bed. probably drooling all over tyler's pillow, the asshole. he cracks a smile.

sweet, sweet josh. he has the biggest fucking heart, all wrapped up in freckled skin and warm eyes and hands and bones. so fragile, so strong. josh.

tyler's feet are now carrying him to the kitchen counter. his hands are grabbing the note, ripping it to shreds, and shoving the shreds deep into his pocket. 

he remembers josh, and that's enough.

he walks back upstairs. not to say goodbye, not in this moment. he kicks off his shoes and he curls himself around josh. he presses his nose to the back of his neck, curls tickling his skin. he trails a finger up his arm to rest on his chest. to feel that fragile-strong heart beating rhythmically. he relaxes into this warmth, this safety, this home.

here, with josh, he didn't need a plan. he didn't need an ending, didn't need to cut his story short.

what he needed- really needed, beyond anything- was josh turning to him slowly, yawning, eyes barely open to slits. he needed the hand smoothed down his back. he needed that little smile, lips wet with drool. he needed this moment. this living, breathing moment.

he smiles back, eyes starting to close. he let's out a responding yawn of his own. he falls asleep.

not forever, just for now.

just another few years. just another few lifetimes. maybe then, leaving wont be so hard.

but for now, staying is all that tyler has planned.

and that is okay.

**Author's Note:**

> check out my tumblr @regionalatblessed and prompt me Literally Anything and i'll try and write it


End file.
